Sometimes you are not in a state to understand. Though you know that eventually you will have to understand and bury it all inside and go on. But there are times when despair takes a strong hold on me. If I see the other side of reality, it would be unfair to say that the darkness of people and situations bog me down on some days. Because from someone else’s perspective I might be getting more than they think I deserve. But do they know the pain that I have gone through and I constantly go through in my journey? They will never know and probably they won’t ever care to know. Because they have their own burdens and baggages of life in ‘Mrityu Lok’.
Who Decides Who Deserves What?
But then who would decide who deserves what? Surely it is not in the hands of the bitter, temperamental ones to decide who deserves what. But today, at this moment, I want to provide a special window for myself and my emotions. A place for my pains, for my sadness. A place for all the shortcomings in my life. The longings that go unattended. The gripping fears that have clutched me from deep within. The different measures of the world to subject me to cruelty in subtle ways and unabashed ways too. The open contempt of those who call themselves my own. The pain of my loved ones that I carry in my heart. And my own never-ending expectations from myself and the feeling that I am never enough.
Yes that is right that from some angle I will always be inadequate.It is also true that all what I am feeling is play of some chemicals in my body and the brain. And that this shall pass too. I know this. Because everything is impermanent. And so are my feelings, the emotions, the pain that I am going through and the situations around.
Impermanent But Still Real: The Acknowledgement
But for now, this pain is also as much a reality for me as the presence of the ‘truth’ that is hidden from the eyes of my consciousness. It is just that I realised that I must attend to the screams of my emotions. No matter how fleeting, but still very much real.
I acknowledge and accept that I too feel hurt. And it is okay to sulk and embrace this pain too.
And I know that life is like this. I must find a way through the thick clouds of my pain, tears and despair to keep moving in the direction of light.